Is The 'Rest Gap' Why Women Are So Exhausted?

Last month, UK-based Stylist magazine published an article  about the rest gap. In essence, the rest gap describes the idea that women get less sleep   than men because of societal pressures and expectations that take their focus away from much-needed rest.

Research says women tend to report more sleep trouble in general. They also have to deal with hormone-related issues like hot flashes or nausea during pregnancy, perimenopause and menopause, which further disrupt sleep. 

This all creates a tough cycle where women arent getting the seven to nine hours of sleep they need.

Im always kind of happy to see that somebody can give a name that simplifies such a very nuanced and complex phenomenon, said LaWanda Hill , a psychologist based in California. The rest gap speaks to just the ways in which women disproportionately are impacted in society.

I think you can add the rest gap, you can add the wealth gap, you can add the health gap ... it just really simplifies all the things which we are subjected to because of structures, systems, policies, laws and societal norms, Hill continued.

There are a lot of contributing factors to the rest gap. Below, experts share their thoughts on why this happens and how to sleep better if youre experiencing it:

Women are conditioned to take care of others before themselves.

Societally, theres so many different reasons why [the rest gap happens] and why women often dont give themselves permission to rest, said Tasha Bailey , a psychotherapist in London and author of Real Talk: Lessons From Therapy on Healing & Self-Love .

I think as women, weve been primed to be people-pleasers, Bailey continued. When were children, were often celebrated for being nurturing and showing empathy and cooperation.

Hill offered a similar sentiment, saying that women often grow up believing theyre responsible for the well-being of at the very minimum their immediate family.

Conversely, its seen as a bad thing when women are assertive or focus on themselves.

I think that then leads many women to disregard their own need for rest and to keep working, pushing on and eventually burning out, Bailey said.

This is especially true for moms.

For women who have children, parenthood adds an additional layer. While many men are more involved than ever when it comes to taking care of their kids, generational conditioning has still taught many people that women need to be the main caregivers. This is often on top of demanding jobs, family of origin needs, friendship needs and community obligations.

This responsibility is not going to be undone tomorrow ... socialization starts in childhood, so weve been socialized for so long to believe that we were primarily responsible for that, Hill said.

Being the main nurturer or caretaker for your kids and family can be rewarding, but it is also downright exhausting. If youre the main person in charge of making lunches, helping with homework, caring for ailing parents and shuttling kids back and forth to school youll only have less time to rest.

We live in a productivity-obsessed world.

I love the term hustle culture because I think that is what were all living in. Were just working and were hustling, and were trying to be productive and were trying to get everything right, said Meredith Van Ness , a psychotherapist and the owner of Meredith Van Ness Therapy  in Colorado. Everyones trying to do the best that they can, but its like, When is the best good enough? 

The goal post keeps moving, and, as a result, trying to do your best can quickly become strenuous. For example, if youre trying to be the best mom and caretaker, youre probably showing up to every single event or reading longer stories to your kids at night. But thats a cycle that can go on and on until burnout. 

For people who arent moms, it could mean telling yourself you deserve a quiet weekend but letting guilt take over, leading you to clean your house, car and garage instead of resting.

Our culture glorifies being busy, Van Ness noted, and when we do that ... then I think its going to be harder for women to turn that off at the end of the night.

The obsession with productivity will likely make you put your bedtime off if you think you have to finish a lengthy to-do list before the lights go out.

We feel like theres so much pressure on being productive, and self-care and rest arent necessarily a part of that equation as far as kind of what our society has put on us, Van Ness said.

Work plays a role, too.

In office settings, women are often working doubly hard to prove themselves. This is even more exacerbated for Black women, other women of color and members of the LGBTQIA+ community, Hill said.

This heightened pressure at work can lead to mental and physical stress, as well as anxiety.

And anxiety often rears its head at the time for women to go to sleep or rest, Hill said. So their sleep is disrupted because of the amount of stresses that they have [from just] being a woman in society.

Day-to-day work stress wasnt something most women faced 100 years ago , either, as most women did not work outside of the home.

Obviously, now were in a modern world where women are working ... but they still have the same expectations to run the family home and to maintain family harmony, yet still hold up a full-time job, Bailey said.

The expectations havent been loosened to meet the reality of 40-hour work weeks. Instead, women are expected to do the same tasks that were expected decades ago.

To cope, it can be helpful to take breaks during the day and set boundaries.

Sleep is non-negotiable. Rest throughout the day can even be looked at this way, too, with Van Ness noting that rest can mean different things for people.

Thats a different category than sleep ... we could also call that mindfulness, or we could also take that as moments of well-being, Van Ness said.

You could probably call it anything you want, but I think its resting emotionally, mentally just throughout the day ... taking a few deep breaths, and just saying, OK, how am I doing? Im going to check in with myself.

Theres no one right way to rest, either. You can listen to your bodys cues and practice whatever relaxation technique you see fit. This could be meditation, going on a walk, spending time in nature, practicing breath work or calling a friend. Not only will you feel better after listening to what your body needs, but youll also be better prepared to finish the tasks that need to get done.

Allowing yourself to rest and de-stress during the day can also carry over into the night. Walking and mindfulness meditation are known to help  people sleep better   so its a win-win all around.

While carving out time for yourself to rest, also consider where else you can make time for yourself. 

Because we havent capped what we are taking on as moms, parents and women then we take on too much, Hill said.

This is where boundaries can come in.

I think weve got to do a better job of having more emotional boundaries, as hard as it is, so that ... we can begin to close this gap, Hill said.

So, if you feel too drained to babysit your nephew, say no to that request. Or consider setting boundaries around your phone use so your friends and family know not to expect a text reply from you after a certain time.

Know that sleep is essential, not a reward.

Its common for people to look at rest as a reward that happens once a task is complete, but this is the wrong perspective.

Rest [is] our basic human essential need, we need to feel rested and energized in order to do what we need to do in our day-to-day lives, Bailey said.

If we dont get that rest, whether its physical rest or whether its emotional rest ... we will end up feeling burnt out, well end up feeling resentful, well end up feeling like we cant really be fulfilled.

Getting enough sleep has countless benefits: its good for your heart health , can reduce your risk of cancer and dementia , and is good for your mental health, too.

In other words, you shouldnt be skimping on sleep, even if society makes it harder for women to get enough of it. As we need food and water, rest is also a basic need, Bailey said.