Gen Z Is Particularly Weird About Relationship Age Gaps. Here's Why.

Is a five-year age gap  in a relationship a little untoward? What about a three-year gap?

On social media, Gen Zers at least those who are chronically online   are constantly debating the ethics of age gaps. Even if some relationships are perfectly legal, that doesnt necessarily make them ethical, many say.

Its little wonder then that age-disparate relationships are cause for so much conversation: Having grown up alongside the #MeToo movement , Generation Z is well versed in unbalanced power dynamics and the language of consent. And lately, theres been plenty of celebrity pairings to interrogate.

Theres the obviously icky examples, like the recent, short-lived romance between Aoki Lee Simmons Russell and Kimora Lee Simmons 21-year-old daughter and restaurateur Vittorio Assaf, 65. Earlier this month, viral photos showed the pair flouncing around on vacation in St. Barts.

Yes, theyre both consenting adults, but it was still unseemly, critics said. If anything, the argument that theyre both of age is something groomers cling to, as one young woman on Threads put it . 

Adulthood was meant to signify voting/draft age, she wrote. But everyone knows your prefrontal cortex is not fully formed at this age. (This difference between so-called brain age and chronological age   you might be 21 but your brain is undeveloped! often gets brought up in these kinds of conversations.) 

There are gender-swapped examples too, like actor Aaron Taylor-Johnson  and filmmaker Sam Taylor-Johnson , a now-married couple who met while working on  a 2009 John Lennon biopic called Nowhere Boy. At the time, he was in his late teens and she was a mother of two in her early 40s.

I didnt relate to anyone my age, the actor told The Telegraph in 2019 , reflecting on when they first met. I just feel that were on the same wavelength.

Some fans arent convinced. We def arent talking about male grooming victims enough and this is literally proof, one person wrote in a highly shared TikTok  video about their coupling.

Then theres the less expected critiques: Is four years too much of an age gap? At 25, I wouldnt even date a 21 year old, reads one tweet with around 80,000 likes .

What about 10 years? Fans of Billie Eilish  were up in arms in 2022 when the then-20-year-old singer revealed that she was dating fellow musician Jesse Rutherford, who was in his early 30s. One viral tweet  about the 10-year age gap reads: jesse rutherford was alive during george h w bushs presidency . billie eilish cannot legally drink.

Long-established relationships arent safe, either. Ryan Reynolds  and Blake Lively s 11-year gap has been scrutinized . And recently, Beyhive members have begun debating whether Beyonc was groomed because she was 19 when she started dating Jay-Z,  who was in his early 30s.

Noncelebrity couples are getting called out, too. I was 19. My now husband was 27. My now 13yo child calls him my predator, one woman wrote on Threads  alongside laughing emoji, probably only half-joking. 

Why Gen Z Seems To Have Such An Aversion To Age Gaps

Is Gen Z just more prudish on this subject than prior generations? 

Not necessarily, said Justin Lehmiller , a research fellow at the Kinsey Institute and the host of the Sex and Psychology Podcast . Hes been studying age-gap relationships for roughly 20 years and said the stigma around age-disparate relationships is long-standing.

In 2008 when terms like cradle robber and cougar were bandied around a lot more than they are now  Lehmiller co-authored a study  that found age-discrepant couples reported experiencing significantly more social disapproval than people in gay or interracial couples.

So the discomfort around these types of relationships isnt anything new. What is new, according to Lehmiller, is how comfortable Gen Z feels about publicly and vocally disapproving of these relationships even on peoples personal Instagram pages. (Aaron  and Sam Taylor-Johnson recently spoke out against the bizarre online judgment theyve received. Eilish and Rutherford brushed off the criticism from overly concerned fans by dressing up as a baby and an old man one Halloween.)

To some in Gen Z, age-gap relationships read as being inherently exploitative because they perceive age discrepancies as necessarily creating a power imbalance that favors the older partner, Lehmiller told HuffPost.

Whats also changed is which parties tend to receive the brunt of the judgment. In the past, people were often scornful of both the younger and older partners in these relationships. Historically, the younger partners, especially when they were women, endured labels like gold digger with the implication that they were the ones doing the exploiting. That terminology doesnt always fly with Gen Z. 

That perception seems to have largely disappeared when you look at what Gen Z is saying, Lehmiller noted. They seem to cast the younger partners as victims who are being preyed upon or groomed.

Gigi Engle , a certified sex and relationship psychotherapist and resident intimacy expert for dating app 3Fun , worries that the term grooming is being overapplied and losing its meaning. 

The narrative is really toxic here and in many other cases, she told HuffPost. Trans people are groomers, gay people are groomers, older people dating younger people are groomers and this just isnt accurate. Its a really fear-mongering time we live in.

Gen Z may be hyperfocused on this because of their age: If youre a 35-year-old woman, youre probably less hung up on the idea of a 50-year-old guy expressing interest in you.

I think younger people may be more susceptible to manipulation and are therefore more afraid of it, Engle said. The reality is, age-gap relationships have been happening since humans have existed, and it is absolutely not some one-size-fits-all. In the vast majority of relationships like this, nothing untoward is happening.

Talking to actual Gen Zers, youll find that their opinions on age gaps run the gamut. As with most things, their takes on the subject are much more nuanced than those found on X, the platform previously known as Twitter, would have you believe.

That said, many are genuinely bothered by age gaps. While the #MeToo movement gave them the language to talk about power imbalances, some 20-somethings say their opinions are more colored by their own personal experiences.

Layla a 23-year-old who asked to use her first name only for privacy reasons, like others in this story thinks its better to date within your own age group, ideally within a two- or three-year range.

When I was around 21 and 22, I tried talking to guys who were 30 and over but soon realized it wasnt right, she told HuffPost. They had so much more life experiences than me, and it was awkward being from different generations.

Layla said shed tried to joke and laugh about certain things a meme or a TikTok video and got a lot of blank stares. She wasnt a fan of their humor, either: Men recounting the umpteenth Seinfeld episode or that one Step Brothers scene gets a little old after a while.

Trying to relate to one another just didnt work out, and it felt awkward and wrong, she said.

I believe a relationship between an 18- and 25-year-old is problematic, Layla said, noting that this applies regardless of gender.

I actually wish women got called out for their predatory behavior, too, she said. It almost seems like no one wants to hold women accountable. 

Mona, a 21-year-old college student in Georgia, even finds her own parents 11-year age gap a little predatory: Her dad was in his late 30s and a divorced father of one when he met her mom, who was in her late 20s and didnt have children.

Mona would date someone three years older. She wouldnt consider going younger, though. I do think that an 18- and 25-year-old together is unacceptable, she said.

She is particularly weirded out when she hears people talk about how their partner basically raised them or taught them how to be a woman, as Beyonc said to Jay-Z in a 2006 birthday toast  that went viral recently.

Mona is also wary of anyone who almost exclusively dates young people the Leonardo DiCaprios of the world. Every time the 49-year-old actor gets a new girlfriend, a graph  highlighting the fact that each of his ex-girlfriends has been 25 or under starts circulating again.

Any respectable adult would have the common sense that pursuing a teenager is extremely weird, and I also believe it says a lot about the headspace of the older person, the 21-year-old said.

Mona also thinks the COVID-19 pandemic mightve been a factor in Gen Zers apprehension over age gaps. They might technically be 21, but given that weird few-year pause, they dont feel it.

You hear about how were mentally the same age that we were when the pandemic first started, she said. That might play a role in why some people are not settling on older people pursuing them you feel youre still too young.

Not everyone agrees. Rei, a 22-year-old who is queer, said they dont find age-disparate relationships inherently problematic. They said theres a lot more than age that gives people power over each other, and if you consider five years an age-gap relationship then Rei is currently in one.

Though my partner is older than me, I have a college degree and she doesnt, they said. So arguably I have a better financial and career outlook that would make me the abusive one, if youre using that language.

Age gaps may be more common in the queer community, Rei said. I dont know a gay guy who hasnt been with someone much older than him, they said. Its just normal to us.

Problematic dynamics can exist no matter the age. People now dont know what grooming is and just use the term as synonymous with age gaps, Rei said.

To some extent, Rei sees the hubbub over age gaps as an overcorrection of the mores ushered in by the #MeToo movement.

People overadjust and assume that any relationship out of the norm is abusive, they said. In my experience, people who feel age gaps are problematic are also the same people who argue the internet is harmful and should be censored because they had a bad experience as a kid. Your experience isnt universal.

For Amelia, 24, actual age matters less than the stage of life youre in. She figures if youre a relatively accomplished 28-year-old dating an accomplished 40-year-old, whats the big deal? The word grooming really only applies when an adult is introduced to a future partner when theyre underage, Amelia said.

She cited the relationship between Dane Cook and his wife  as an egregious example of a questionable age gap. (The now-52-year-old comedian met Kelsi Taylor at a game night he hosted when she was in her late teens .)

Do I think its possible for people like that to have a healthy and happy relationship? Sure, Amelia said. But the older I get, my desire to talk to high schoolers grows slimmer and slimmer. I really cant put myself in the shoes of someone who would want to befriend a high schooler.

That said, Amelia thinks that some Gen Zers take their judgment too far. To her, the concern over age gaps seems like a weirdly paternalistic brand of feminism, where women feel the need to protect women from men.

Its similar to how Swifties treat Taylor Swift , she said, referring to the now-34-year-old pop star.

You have young women looking out for a billionaire woman in her 30s. Im a fan of Taylor Swift, but I dont think she needs protecting from Travis Kelce because Travis Kelce got in the face of his NFL coach during the Super Bowl. 

The anti-age-gap sentiment held by many plays into the puriteen narrative  thats been inescapable lately. Online, theres a lot of hand-wringing over Gen Zers seeming aversion to sex: Studies show that theyre having less of it  than earlier generations and that they dont want sex scenes in their movies . 

Though Amelia overall disagrees with age-gap critics she feels like their arguments rob women of their agency, she said she gets where those in her peer group are coming from.

The majority of us had unsupervised internet access from a young age. We were in chatrooms, on Tumblr, and other various corners of the internet that we probably should not have been on at that age, she said. It was easy for grown men on the internet to reach us if they wanted to.

If youve been oversexualized at a young age or seen others in your age bracket be oversexualized that experience is understandably going to shape how you perceive these kinds of things, Amelia said.

But the reality is, there are likely just as many happy May-December unions as there are disappointing ones. Believe it or not, we often see more not less equity in these relationships, Lehmiller noted.

All of the Gen Zers we spoke to said that ultimately, two consenting adults can do whatever they want in their private lives, even if others find it off-putting.

Men can like women that are younger and not be a creep, Amelia said. He also can be a creep, but some random person with a Twitter cartoon avatar shouldnt necessarily be the judge of that!