What It Means To Be 'Aromantic,' According To Aromantic People

Having crushes , dating and falling in love may seem like universal human experiences, but thats not the case for everyone. People who identify as aromantic or aro for short dont experience romantic attraction and generally arent interested in romantic relationships. 

Aromanticism has been around as long as humans have been on this earth, but the term and its existence as an identity and orientation was only recognized recently, said Kelsey Lee, director of social media for The Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN) , which also serves the aromantic community. Around 2005 is when we started to see it being used as its own identity, thus gaining more understanding that aromanticism is not the same as asexuality. 

While some people identify as both aromantic (not feeling romantic attraction) and asexual (not feeling sexual attraction), the two dont necessarily go hand in hand. Some people are asexual but not aromantic, while others are aromantic but not asexual.

Aromanticism exists on spectrum , and individual experiences vary from person to person. Theres no agreed-upon definition of what does or does not constitute romance. For example, some people might consider making out to be sexual, others might consider it romantic, and that can change depending on the circumstances.

A person who identifies as aromantic is still capable of other types of attraction, such as recognizing when a person is good-looking also known as aesthetic attraction. Aros arent cold or heartless either; in fact, they often feel familial and platonic love very strongly.

Many aromantic people are mocked as losers, people that cant get a date, or havent met the right person yet, but thats not the case, Lee said. Aromanticism is a valid orientation, not something to be cured or shrugged off.

To learn more about what it means to be aromantic, we asked three people who identify that way  illustrator Kotaline Jones , and Jenny W. and Milly R., admins for the Instagram account @justaroacethings   to tell us about their own experiences.

Jenny and Milly have chosen to withhold their last names for privacy reasons. 

When and how did you realize you were aromantic?

Milly: I began to identify as asexual when I was 16 and first heard the term, but it never clicked that I was aromantic as well. I knew I felt some connection to aromanticism but I denied that feeling. It was hard, and took a few months to realize, but when I finally accepted that I was aromantic, I broke down and cried. I was 18. Id never had crushes and felt uncomfortable in romantic relationships, but it still felt like something had been stolen from me. That promise of a future with true love and marriage and a fairy tale ending was suddenly gone, even though I still wanted it.

Im 19 now, and its been less than a year but I am so proud and infinitely happier knowing that Im aro. Its changed my whole perspective on love, on my feelings and my future. Its an important part of who I am.

Jenny: I started to consider that I might be aromantic earlier this year when I found @justaroacethings on Instagram. I was 18 at the time and have since turned 19. I already knew I was asexual, and I was aware of what aromantic meant, but I hadnt looked into it further. I had assumed it was a term that didnt apply to me because I had been in romantic relationships before and thought that meant I must have experienced romantic attraction. However, I read practically every post by @justaroacethings and followed lots of similar accounts, so I eventually began to notice that I related to the posts about aromanticism, as well as the ones about asexuality.

I eventually learned that someones orientation is determined by attraction or lack thereof rather than action. Meaning the fact that Id been in romantic relationships before didnt preclude me from being aromantic. I dont experience romantic attraction, so regardless of my actions, I am aromantic. 

What does being aromantic mean to you?

Kotaline: I dont really think I have a right to define being aromantic broadly, but my experience with aromanticism is that I just dont really have a drive to pursue a relationship with another person or even imagine a future relationship. I dont want a romantic partner, I havent felt romantically attracted to another person for years, and its not really a big deal for me.

Jenny: To me, being aromantic means freedom, as terribly cliche as that sounds. Growing up, were all told that well one day fall in love, move in with a romantic partner, get married, have children, etc. Thats what I was told by everyone around me, so its what I learned to expect and I never really questioned it. But since realizing Im aromantic, Ive realized thats not what I want and it never has been. It was merely what I expected of me. I am free to decide what my future looks like, rather than getting into relationships I dont want simply because I feel obliged to.

Are you interested in being in a relationship or partnership now or in the future?

Jenny: Ive realized that I dont want romantic relationships, but personally, I do still want a committed relationship, specifically a queer/quasi-platonic relationship or QPR. A QPR is a companionate relationship with a commitment level similar to that of a romantic relationship, but it is different from the typical romantic/sexual relationship. A QPR is defined by its lack of traditional romantic expectations, and can involve as many or as few sexual or romantically coded activities as the partners choose, depending on what theyre comfortable with.

Have you been in relationships in the past?

Kotaline: I really have always preferred to be alone, so I dont have much of a relationship history. I dont know if I was always inclined to be aromantic, but I did my fair share of self-sabotaging my crushes in the past, and I never really felt comfortable with the idea of being in a relationship with someone long-term. Id like to think the crushes I had when I was younger were real, because I feel like the people I liked romantically influenced me a lot as a person, and I still know and like some of them platonically to this day. But I feel like the point where I chose to specifically label myself aromantic was the point where I felt emotionally certain that I had not experienced the desire to be in a relationship for a long time and could not imagine myself experiencing that desire any longer.

Jenny: I am not currently in a relationship, but I have been in two romantic relationships, both before I considered that I might be aromantic. Id like to stress that this is just my experience and I dont speak for all aromantic people, as we all have different experiences and attitudes towards romance. But personally, Ive always been rather indifferent towards romance. On both occasions, I got into a romantic relationship with someone I considered a best friend because they had feelings for me, and I didnt want to let them down. I would have been perfectly content to stay best friends instead. But I didnt mind the idea of being in a romantic relationship, and everyone around me told me I should say yes, so I saw no particular reason not to.

Because I was unaware of the term aromantic at the time, I supposed that was what romantic attraction was. I was wrong, of course, and it was only years later that I realized this.

Do you still enjoy rom-coms, romantic books and love songs?

Kotaline: I definitely still enjoy romantic media! I really enjoy drawing couples, and romance as a concept is very cool to me. Culturally were conditioned to think about it a lot, and it comes in all different packages, after all. Im certainly not against romance, even if sometimes it can be a little overwhelming to see just how much media is romance-oriented.

Milly: There is a lot of terminology specific to the aromantic community, and enjoying romance and romantic media is what we label being romance positive. You can also be romance repulsed and romance indifferent. Its more complicated for me because I switch between these. Some days I love watching mushy rom-coms and breakup songs, while others I find myself bored with them, and still others I feel uncomfortable with romantic content. I once waited a month before I finally liked romance enough to enjoy To All the Boys I Loved Before . But most of the time, I dont mind rom-coms. Romantic content is almost unavoidable, to be honest.

Whats something people always get wrong about aromanticism? Any misconceptions?

Milly: There are so many! Aromanticism is complicated and diverse. There is no one aro experience and there is a whole aromantic spectrum that people may identify with. The most common misconception is that all aromantic people are aroace, both aromantic and asexual.

Queerplatonic relationships are also an important part of the aro community, as is all the terminology surrounding QPRs and attraction. Aros can have partners, though not every aro wants one.

Jenny: There are an awful lot of misconceptions about aromanticism. Its not that we just havent found the right person yet, are afraid of commitment, have just had bad past relationships, or are making things up to try and be special.

Its not that aros are cold and unloving, or incomplete without romantic love, because no one form of love is inherently more or less important than any other.

What do you wish more people knew or understood about aromanticism?

Jenny: Its easy to get confused by all the new vocabulary if you havent come across it before, but to anyone reading, please respect someones identity even if you dont know what it means or understand it. Please do ask respectful questions if youre confused and would like to know more, and please trust people if and when they describe their experiences, as they know their own feelings better than anyone else. This goes for people of any orientation or gender identity, not only arospec people.

Please dont ever force yourself into a situation youre uncomfortable with, be it sexual or romantic. Its OK to want to experiment if you think you might be arospec/acespec but arent sure. But you do not ever have to try romantic or sexual relationships to know that youre aro/ace. You dont have to try something to know you dont want it. Please dont try to change yourself by forcing yourself into situations you dont want. Its only going to make you feel worse in the long run.

These interviews have been lightly edited and condensed for clarity.