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Humor
"Who called it contractions and not birthquakes?"
"Gonna start taking my dog on first dates bc whats the point of wasting time on a guy that she doesnt like."
"My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree."
I love when you meet a cat and its a total snob. just a b***h. and beautiful and perfect.
WHAT'S HAPPENING
"I dont want to practice mindfulness. If get any more aware of whats going on around me Im gonna start blacking out and speaking in riddles."
"My husband does this cute thing where he asks me where to find things, like hes new here."
"Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase. Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase."
"There needs to be a pop-up video version of SVU where it tells you what else you know the guest stars from."
"Dads love saying, 'I can see 3 eggs from where Im standing that you havent found yet.'"
"Nothing ruins your favorite movie quite like watching it with your children."
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