[Husband stubs toe]

H: Dammit!

2yo: You don't say DAMMIT! DAMMIT is a bad word. It's not right to say DAMMIT. I'm a big girl, and I know you don't say DAMMIT. So don't say DAMMIT, Dad. Because DAMMIT is a bad word.

4yo: I don't say DAMMIT.

Me: I'm glad none of you say dammit.

— Lil Bit (@LizerReal) October 22, 2019

I got my car stuck in the mud while out with my kids. In related news, I owe $365 to the swear jar.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) March 21, 2022

me: *finishes project*

son: one hundred thirty-one

me: what?

son: swear words

— The Dad (@thedad) January 4, 2022

I let my kid play Fortnite with headphones and a mic last night. (Dont you dare judge me).

This is what I heard:
Dude, Im COMING NOW! Dont leave me!
Dont swear again, ok? My mom will make me turn it off
Shit!

— MomTransparenting (@momtransparent1) September 11, 2019

Parenting is sneaking in to kiss your kids when theyre asleep, and sneaking out to curse when theyre awake

— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) May 18, 2023

my four year old mispronounces curse words which is cute and not at all horrifying when she yells bammit!! and cheese crisis!!!

— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) November 29, 2020

Sitting across from the 5yo at dinner and something came up and I knew - I KNEW - she was about to say a bad word. I looked at her and she looked at me and I shook my head and said dont and without taking her eyes off me she whispered Im thinking it.

— Dinah (@dinahaddie) March 4, 2023

Today is the day we put the outdoor Christmas lights up. A day the kids affectionately call, Swear Day.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) November 26, 2023

7: He said a bad word - the S one
Me: Oh really?
7: S-H-
Me: Yeah I know that one
7: - I -
.
Nobody:
.
7: Shit

— redyellowgreendance (@RYGdance) October 29, 2022

When I was a kid, my parents would always say Excuse my French just after a swear word.

Ill never forget that first day at school when my teacher asked if any of us knew any French.

— Doc (@DocAtCDI) June 22, 2023

I gave my kid permission to swear one time because its an eagles game thinking he was gonna say hell yeah about the touchdown but he went straight for fuck

— lala (@BigHatLala) November 27, 2023

-My beautiful toddler, in her flowery and ruffly dress gliding through our home on her scooter singing a quiet song to herself-

Me: what song are you singing my perfect angel?

3: its a bad word song mommy

— Marissa (@michimama75) January 28, 2020

My kid doesnt hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, Mom said a bad word!!!

— ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz) April 11, 2023

5: mom, you're a dick

Me: you can't say that, it's a swear word

5: why are all the words you use swear words?

Me:

3 [running past]: dammit dammit dammit dammit dammit

— Doc McMuffins (@Cynical_Parent) July 2, 2020

Every one of my kids has asked us this question, all around the age of 8. Was asked it today: mom, can I use a swear word just to ask you this question. Why is fuck a bad word?

— Piya Chattopadhyay (@piya) October 12, 2021

Me: what word starts with an f and ends in u-c-k?

Wife: dont curse in front of the kids!

Me: firetruck : )

Wife:

Me:

Wife: what the firetruck is wrong with you?

— NewDadNotes (@NewDadNotes) April 20, 2020

Having a 2nd child is more difficult than the 1st for one very simple reason.

With the 1st you could swear as much as you needed to while they were a baby. But with the 2nd you already have one around that you can't swear in front of.

Nightmare.#parenting

— Dadding Around (@DaddingAround) April 20, 2018

Helping your kids with their math homework is a good way to teach them about math and swear words.

— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) February 7, 2018

Become a mom so you can say anything and no one will listen to you.

Unless you curse, then they will repeat that shit everywhere.

— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) February 18, 2020

Kid: Can I say a curse word and not get in trouble?
Me: Go ahead
Her:
Her:
Her: (whispers) butthead

— OyVeyLady (@OyVeyLady) October 18, 2022

A friend of mine and her 5-year-old daughter came to visit recently and I learned that I'm very bad at improvising euphemisms for curse words. Now this kid thinks I'm some dork who says "Holy shoot" and "God darn it" and "Son of a fucking badger"

— Michael Schaub (@michaelschaub) March 25, 2022

A kid I know came up to me, very serious and concerned.
Him: Shannon, I don't like it when you use curse words in your books.
Me : Which book?
Him: Squirrel Girl.
Me : Wait, what was the word?
Him (worried, leans in close to whisper): Fuzzmuppets.

— Shannon Hale (@haleshannon) July 21, 2021

Today, my 4-year-old son yelled GET THAT MOTHERFUCKER when the Steelers were running with the ball.

Now, my kids dont curse, but you know? I didnt even say a word to him because I felt him. I felt that.

I wanted our defense to get that motherfucker too.

— Maura (@Edgar_Allan_Moe) December 12, 2022

Randomly thinking of the older kid from across the road who'd come watch us sometimes who was probably a D overall as a babysitter but painstakingly took the time to systematically teach me every curse and swear word he thought I should know in 3 diff languages, thank you sensei

— Shiv Ramdas Buk Riter (@nameshiv) October 30, 2023

Were in Disneyland. We gave our kid permission to curse on the scarier rides as he was worried about getting in trouble if he let a bold word slip out. And believe me- they did, including a post-inversion moment on Space Mountain when he asked did we just loop the fuckin loop?

— Gerry McBride (@GerryMcBride) March 10, 2022

Whats your go to, kid proofed, curse word?

I use either crud nuggets or mother trucker

— Acidic Blonde (@Acidic_Blonde) March 4, 2019

Parenting tip:

Don't let your kid bring a toy that flashes red and blue like police lights in the car.

My kid just learned a curse word, half my coffee is on the ceiling and I have to change my pants.

— Stay at Homies (@stayathomies) November 6, 2019

Gave birth with no drugs and didn't utter a single swear word, but after several days of little sleep, I couldn't hold one back.

— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) June 19, 2009

My kids are playing an alphabet cussing game where they have to come up with a bad word for every letter of the alphabet.

I'm torn because it kind of feels educational.

— Lil Bit (@LizerReal) June 17, 2022

Last night my 5 year-old asked me if Penis was a bad word. I said no it's not and before I could explain further, he ran into the next room and yelled to his brother "I'm going to drop kick your penis"

— Graham Kritzer (@GrahamKritzer) March 14, 2022

*filling out preschool form*

1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.

2nd child: He knows all of the colors.

3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 1, 2018

3yo: ew daddy farted and it smells like grass.

Me: do you mean ass?

3yo: no thats a bad word you grasshole.

— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) March 22, 2020

[ in the car ]

My kid: the song said a bad word

Me: shit, forgot you were back there

— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) September 17, 2021

Of all the options available to save for my kids college tuition, Im pretty sure a Swear Jar would yield the highest return in our house. #momlife #swears #swearjar

— Goldfish and Chicken Nuggets (@gfishandnuggets) September 6, 2018

friend: we don't use swear words around our kids
me: yeah, me neither
my kid: bullshit

— The Dad (@thedad) October 10, 2018

My 9yo is just saying every swear word hes ever heard, in his sleep. I cannot stop laughing at his little baby face fast asleep mumbling, Fuck shit balls.

— Meg St-Esprit (@MegStEsprit) January 21, 2023

Listening to Lady Gagas Bad Romance

8: I think she said a bad word.
(Cause Im a free bitch baby)
10: No, she said its a free bridge, like you dont have to pay to go over it.

— redyellowgreendance (@RYGdance) January 15, 2024

7-year-old: I said a bad word quietly so you wouldnt hear me

Me: Why are you telling me now?

7-year-old: I just thought you would want to know

— Kiss my Fat Ash (@Tobi_Is_Fab) June 27, 2022

Im now aware of my daughters progress in spelling after I spelled a bad word and she yelled MOM YOU JUST SAID SHIT

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) January 11, 2023

My kindergartner told me some of her friends were throwing up the middle finger at recess. When I told her we dont do that at school she said, we only curse when someone is driving slow. And now shes officially ready for a drivers license.

— Rachel Sobel (@whinecheezits) September 14, 2022

6: I have to say a bad word in order to tell you what happened at school

Me: ok, but just once

6: she called her stupid

Me, relieved: that wasnt nice of her.

6: at least I didnt have to say fuck

— Marissa (@michimama75) September 6, 2022

Wife: use animal names instead of curse words around the kids please.

Me: like snake instead of sh-

Wife: yes.

Me: like duck instead of fu-

Wife: yes.

Me: like ass instead of ass?

Wife:

Me: what? its an animal lol.

Daughter: [whispers] hes ducked.

— NewDadNotes (@NewDadNotes) November 15, 2019